| | 14 letters relate to feelings - despair... | Excerpt length: shorter longer | |
| Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(mid August 1879)
... us were to become
closer on both sides. If ever I came to believe seriously that
I was being a nuisance or a burden to you or those at home, of
no use to anyone, and were obliged to look upon myself as an
intruder or to feel superfluous so far as you are concerned, so
that it would be better if I were not there at all, and if I
should have to try all the time to keep out of other people's
way - were I really to think that, then I should be overwhelmed
by a feeling of sadness and should have to wrestle with
despair.
I find it hard to bear this thought and even harder to bear
the thought that so much dissention, misery and sorrow between
us, and in our home, may have been caused by me. Should that
indeed be the case, then I might wish it were granted me not to
have much longer to live.
Yet when this thought sometimes depresses me beyond measure,
far too deeply, then after a long time another occurs too:
'Perhaps it is only an awful, frightening dream and later we
may... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(c. 15-27 April 1882)
... they were
called treachery.
Theo, I am a man with faults and errors and passions, but I
don't think I ever tried to deprive anyone of his bread or his
friends. I have sometimes fought people with words, but
attempting a man's life because of a difference of opinion is
not the work of an honest man - at least, these are not honest
weapons.
Can you understand now that I am sometimes grieved over many
things, grieved to the heart; and that I am grieved about
Mauve? For though I shouldn't want to have the same
“guidance” from him again, I should like to shake
hands with him once more, and I wish he would do the same with
me.
Do you perhaps know something that I do not, or can you give
me some information about this matter? Adieu.
Yours sincerely, Vincent
Forgive me if I trouble you about it, but, you see, I am so
in the dark. I finished another drawing of a woman's figure
such as “Sorrow,” but larger and I think better
than... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(30 May 1882)
... for last month, makes 12.50
guilders.
But not having up to now received any letter of yours since
that of May 12 th , I have nothing to pay him his
twelve guilders and 50 c. with. The man will surely not give me
any longer delay, but they can immediately sell my furniture
publicly. Whatever may be your opinion concerning the things I
told you do not let it come to this scandal, my drawings for C.
M. are ready, but I shall not be able to get that money early
enough. I say again, let us at all events avoid irregularity
and public scandal, and talk and write calmly on the subject,
till we know what ought to be done. Therefore I hope you will
send me what I so greatly want, and will write. I work day and
night, and have a small drawing ready for you, which I will
send by and by. I have no money for a stamp, excuse the
postcard, and believe me,
Yours truly, Vincent
... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(22 July 1883)
... Dear Theo,
Thanks for your letter, thanks for the enclosure, though I
cannot repress a feeling of sadness at your saying, “I
can give you little hope for the future.”
If you mean this only in a financial sense, I shouldn't mind
it so much, but if it's in reference to my work, I don't quite
understand why I deserve it. It comes just at the moment when I
can send you the prints of the photographs of a few of my
largest drawings which I had promised you before, but couldn't
get because I had no money.
I do not know what you mean by that expression, how can I
know it? Your letter is too short, but it hit me unexpectedly
right in the heart.
But I should like to know what you really mean by it,
whether you have noticed that I have made some progress or
not.
You will remember that when you wrote me a month ago about
the finances being bad, my answer was, “All right, that
much more reason to do our utmost on both sides; do try to send
me what's... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(22 July 1883)
... feels
miserable against one's will.
And now I thought,
I am sorry that I didn't fall ill and die
in the Borinage that time, instead of taking up painting, for I
am only a burden to you. And yet I cannot help it, for one must
go through many phases to become a good painter, and what one
makes in the meantime is not exactly bad if one tries one's
utmost; but there ought to be people who see it in the light of
its tendency and objective, and who do not ask the
impossible.
Things are looking dark right now. If it were only for me,
but there is the thought of the woman and the children, poor
creatures whom one would keep safe, and feels responsible
for.
The woman has been doing well recently.
I cannot talk about it with them, but for myself it became
too much today. Work is the only remedy; if that does not help,
one breaks down.
And you see the trouble is that the possibility of working
depends on selling the work, for there are expenses - the more
... |
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