Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard (4 February 1883) ... trying
all the harder to help her.
It was shortly afterward that I fell ill myself. At that
point she was in the hospital at Leyden, and I got a letter
from her in the clinic where I was, telling me she was in great
trouble. Before that time - during the winter, when she was in
a very bad way indeed - I had done what I could, and now I had
a fierce inner struggle trying to decide what to do. Could I -
should I help? - I was ill myself, and the future looked
so dark. For all that, I got up against the doctor's wishes and
went to see her. I visited her in the hospital at Leyden on
July 1. The night before, she had given birth to a little boy,
who was lying asleep in his little cradle by her bedside, his
little turned-up nose just outside the covers - unconscious, of
course, of what was going on in the world. At least a poor
struggler of a sick painter like myself knows a few things that
a tiny baby like that doesn't know.
And what should I do? - I had some hard...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard (c. 7 February 1883) ... winter. I had some very striking models.
At the moment I am not working so very hard, for after
working - especially on heads - for some months practically
without rest or interruption, I have been feeling a kind of
weakness or exhaustion which I find I can't overcome.
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard (c. 8 May 1883) ... and we would both feel
embarrassed. Speaking for myself, I'll tell you frankly that
sometimes I feel clearly that these two forces of exhaustion
and reinforcement in my constitution are there through one and
the same cause - the exertion of working. And I have so much
faith in this, not only for myself but also for others, that
last year, for instance, when I was ill, I boldly disregarded
some of the doctor's advice, not because I thought his advice
wrong, or because I thought I knew better, but because I
reasoned like this, “Life means painting to me and not so
much preserving my constitution.” Sometimes the
mysterious words “Whosoever shall lose his life shall
find it” are as clear as daylight.
And the fact is I recovered sooner than some others
who I know took a long time to recover from the same
disease.
But, my dear friend, I am writing you what I should
otherwise have said to you orally - by all means economize your
strength in this...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 2 August 1883) ... you come, I hope to
paint a few more things. I don't feel entirely well yet, but
fortunately the work is so animating that as long as I am busy,
I don't feel the weakness so much; but it overtakes me
occasionally during the intervals when I am not in front of my
easel.
